Tuesday, November 1, 2011

God Can Hear Us, I Know, I Believe

Today, my mother-in-law was admitted in the hospital. She has been having pain in her neck and back.  Her MRI revealed masses surrounding her spine and esophagus.  She had Breast Cancer about 13-14 years ago.  It was bad then and she did all the experimental drugs and chemo that she could get her hands on at the time.  That and surgery worked for her then, now it could be back.  Research has shown recurrence to be in this time frame.  I only mention this because HCC often re-occurs within 5 years.  I honestly have been trying not to think about it.  
I am 4 years from the first and only find.  The last few weeks have shown me that my it is more likely with each passing day.  My pain is increasing and the difficulty simply breathing is showing too.  Even without a thyroid, I have the lump when I swallow again and hoarse voice (basically it changed enough that my father in law didn't recognize me today on the phone).  My neck and back pain is getting unbearable and the discomfort is forcing me to move about to re-position myself often.  I refuse to medicate for the pain as it not LID safe.

I have been off the medicine long enough now to have signs of being hypo-thyroid; but I am practically hypo-symptom-less (other than a fluke day this weekend).  I am not constipated, not sleepy, not snail slow talking or thinking and not even slightly thick skinned.  In fact I am just the opposite of all of those.  I have had my moments with numbness and dropping things but nothing like I should be.  The key to thinking recurrence, is the dramatic increase in pain since stopping the medicine and the swallowing issue.  

I am so tempted to call the doctor and ask them again about it but I am unsure if anything would change in the schedule.  It has been 10 days of no iodine and I do mean NONE.  I have done awesome there.  I have been off cytomel for the same amount of time.  I just don't think that the TSH will be high enough (as I am not having Hypo symptoms) and the doctor would most likely make me wait longer :(

SO, Margaret is surrounded by family and friends with wonderful doctors and we pray for effective treatment.  And in a just over week, I will most likely be in solitude for over 2 weeks with a simple hope that the RAI treatment is enough to kill the disease again.  In both cases, we have to know that things are not good and that God will do what He does through the people that we trust to handle it.  It is out of our hands and God's will, not ours.  

I stopped working today to prepare for all that should be handled in house, if the inevitable occurs.  I will not be the person that stops living because Cancer likes my body.  The happy host party going on there will end soon he he he :)  But as long as I have the pain without RAI, I am going to clean and be mom.  My boys have no idea that I think that it is back.  They have always known that it could.  I will not stress them over not being sure.  All I can do is be the best mom that I am able to be.  

I have informed my husband of all of the issues that have not gone away over the last couple of weeks.  He is a rock now and I pray he is able to handle this developing situations.  He too actually has one of his own going on at work (possible job changes).  He deserves the promotions and everyone at work agrees.  He has earned it.  I refuse to have my illness determine his position again as it has played a role in the past.  He knows thatwe support him just as much as he supports us.  And God willing, all will be well soon.  

God CAN hear us and we know that He is Good All the Time!  We are asking for His healing hands again and His continued strength once more.  Thank you, God.  Awaiting Your Timing and Grace, Heather